Deconstructing Cornelius... part one

We are only 57 days into 2006 and the world and it's players have begun the yearly jaunt of madness. I was so hoping that we could at least get half way through before I started to suffer from "ignorance" overload from the various levels of governement and my fellow citizens. However, I have already started the "deconstructing" process of myself, by positioning my intellect in strategic offense to thwart the government spin verbage, those daily outright lies we have to endure and the "what in the hell were they thinking" catergory that's often brimming with so many obsurd tidbits they cause me to make sure that I've been properly medicated.

In the 2/11/06 edition of the Arkansas Democrat Gazzette, I read an unsettling story concerning the Dept. of Health/ HIV Unit "so-called" scandal of 2005. It seems that the former Team Leader, Lola Thrower was found gulity of "aiding and abbetting" connected indivudals, Lee Langston, Rev. Lamar Wright and M. Blackmon, with gaining access to federal funds. Believe it or not, Rev. Wright was on the Broadway Joe Talk show on KOKY seeking donations for his "Save the Children Project" from the African American commninty on 2/26/06. Even though I have'nt had a chance to read the complete case history, I have mixed feeling concerning the entire affair and the republished stories that have literally reached from coast to coast. Since this case broke, the rumor mills and gossip mongers have had a field day with what appears to be some misinformation, conspiracy theories and many venomous character attacks from all sides. I'm not condoning such misdeeds, but would be open to hearing the facts that has caused this error in judgement. According to court documents the sentencing for Thrower will occur in June. As this matter closes, I can't help but ponder is the HIV division any better off, are services enhanced? Does any know or care? Stay tune...

February, the shortest month of the year is also known as Black History Month and the usual suspect trout out to give there ceremonious salute to famous African- Americans past and present. Yet, this year actor Morgan Freeman stated that this reconignition has run it course and is no longer needed. His pearls of wisdom were apart of an interview with 60 minutes dieheart Mike Wallace, whom seem genuinely suprised at his firmness about the issue. As for myself, I don't share his view. I feel it's important that we keep the fire of the month burning all year.Especially, since each day we are making Black history, by continuing to pursue courses of empowerment, excellence and the destiny we have been appointed. Mr. Freeman's remarks are well respected since he feels that we should move past distinctions and revel in our commonality. I'm for all of that and keeping the month as well. Why don't you surf over and check out Blackpeople.com for some interesting reading.

The OC in 08. I was stupified when I saw this direct marketing blurb as I was surfing the net. My curiosity was peaked and I had to find out if this was that dredded TV show about beautiful people or a new cleaning product. NO, it was a line of items touting the political ticket of Hilary Clinton and Osama Obamma for President in 2008. This unlikely coupling would certainly be a hoot and holla for the spin cycles of America. Perhaps I will offer some of those items here for your collections. After all, it's all about for the people and by the people. Let me know what you think, nealix101@comcast.net

No Casseroles

As we grow older and become updated figments of our parents, we often reflect on the many conversations or either those catechism that our elder nuturers have shared with us over the years. These nuggets of wisdom and muster usually are deflected by us as we find our way to maturity, yet one that sticks in my mind and constantly haunts me, is from my mother who always states," as sure as we live, we all gotta die." This breif statement rooted in her overall embracing of religion, not only rings ture, but has provided my with some comforting relief despite it's ominous meaning. With each death in our family we have been surrounded by the outpouring of services, goods and most of all food. All these wonderful breads, beverages and other comfort foods, are a common display of condolences from your community. I witnessed many friends, neighbors, and strangers alike offering there contributions of eggs, juices, hams and other covered dishes. Traditionally in the Black community, funerals although a sad occasion, are treated as a unique "home going" for the deceased and a celebration of fellowship with those commemorating their life. My recent lost of my youngest brother was reinforced with this showering of concern and respect for the love ones who were left behind. But, as I stood amidst all this warmth and endearing atmosphere, I couldn't help but feel some contempt and an uneasiness that perhaps I hadn't developed binding relationships to have personal friends who seemed moved to respond. Looking around the various deliveries, I had hoped to find some notes from people I knew, but I found no care packages, no cakes and most of all, no casseroles. In the subsequent weeks, my thought patterns hearkened back when I lost my lifemate in 1995. Despite my stern demeanor then and now, I've analyzed that those strong ties and friendships that I thought I once had, have all but become surface memories and occurrences of times past. Our tiny apartment we shared, once hosted many with our brand of hospitality, but was a hub of silence prior to the funeral and certainly afterwards. I didn't experience the same warmth and love that all these years later I'm seeing being directed to my immediate family. Cultivating and neutering relationships are a necessity in human contact, especially when celebrating a home going. I have to assume my responsibility in keeping contacts alive and making efforts to stay in touch. Over the years, some have perceived me to be aloof and distant. I stand guilty, but life has a way of forcing change in a person and I have been in a constant exploration of my purpose as well as my legacy to the world. Nevertheless, today's society is so fraught with individuals who are caught up in "keeping up appearances," that often we are repelled at peeling away the many mask that approach us daily. Forging careers and ultimately finding a lifemate is paramount,but rediscovering old friends and making new ones must be apart of that strategy. Just as my mother's adage reaffirms, I have to add, even though "we all must die", I hope that I ultimately don't do it without some true friends. Feel the need to reach out and touch at Nealix101@comcast.net

Ladies and Gentlemen...Big Brother is in the house!

There it was, as predicted by George Orwell and all those other ancient soothsayers from days gone by. Big Brother has entered the lives of ordinary people just like you and me. Our U.S. Government has been eavesdropping on phone calls and other communications outlets searching for those ultimate connections to anything "terrorist related." It wasn't good enough that the Patriot Act allows the good ole protectors of freedom a means to look at your library card, validate your Identification, maybe even list you, as they did Senator Ted Kennedy, on the "Do not fly" list. Who in there cotton pickin mind doesn't know that Senator Kennedy is not affiliated with Al-queda, but rather those other guys who continue to terrorize us all with bad legislation.Believe it or not, all in the name of safety and the ultimate White House catch phrase of the century, Homeland Security. Depsite my better judgement, I was grudingly beginning to accept some of this safety jargon, until the latest news flash included that the Feds were now not only, wanting to expand their noisy searches into your land activities but, also your cyberspace doings. Recently their demands from ISP's concerning web searches involving porno or "other highly charged sexual content" based on current Child Porno laws sends mixed messages to me. Well, enough is enough as far as I'm concern. As a citizen I demand that we be allowed to exert some bounderies when it comes to personal privacy.I don't pass any judgements on that industry, even though I have a distaste for that type of material and those who are obsessed with Twinks and Toddlers for their sexual gratification.This behavior is a social ill that is perplexing to say the least and certainly warrants much attention.However, I'm very concerned with the fact that so much personal information is being ping-ponged around and that our every day lives are almost open books for all to see. You can't cash a check or even some places make a deposit without proper I.D., your doctor's office knows everything about you including your weight and this is just a start. The mortage company, credit card folks, and just about anyone who will do business with you, wants to be in all of" your business" regardless to what you may think. My personal experience with this all too intrusive peek into my life has had me "going off" several times via creditors or advertiser attempting to tell me what's best for me and why I should bow to their suggestions. I simply reject the notion that every micro-bit of my personal info somehow sums up everything about me, afterall, I know for a fact that I'm a work still in progress. Yet, the government's stealth approach of spying on it's citizens, in the name of security or being interested in where I spend time on the web has me rather bothered, as it should all of you. Where does it end and will any of us have a say as to how far these intrusions will position themselves within our lives. Consequently, all of this activity is an echo's Orwell's book 1984, and more recently the rantings of those supporting players in the movie Network, who followed the advice of the newscaster character, "...go to your windows and scream out, I mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore!..."

2005: The Year that was and was not so good.

Each year at this time we hear from all the ususal "end year" pundits and naysaysers who recollect all that was notable for 2005. Ususally they painstakinly point out the various mishaps and the "oh so shocking" scandals that are suppose to send vibrant currents of concern through our systems. Therefore, I can't just miss the opportunity to first brag about our new blog look and our new moniker,"CorneliusOnpoint."
This growing new medium is allowing me to be the ultimate "shot caller" and "rim rocker" if I so desire. Unfortunately, our fair city has'nt be able to sustain any type of real media to state the facts or highlight our internal best interest. For too long, the community has been monoplized by short sightedness and all to often petty value systems that have caused any type of media to be one sided, void of any discourse or quality information. I have always encouraged breaking those chains of bondage and beholdings to an atmoshpere that is not empowering but rather self defeating and depricating. Therfore, I am attempting to fill the breach with my own take on where we've been and what were doing now. So as 2005 dawned, we all saw the formation of yet another organization filled with promise. The ADAP working group that was going to re-address AIDS issues in Arkansas held a planning meeting, elected a slate of officers and subsequently hosted a Capitol Hill luncheon to boot. However, since that grand send off and few conference calls later, nothing much has been heard from this outfit. What gives! I personally volunteered to assit, however to my chagrin my expertise was idled and untapped. Meanwhile, this was only the first of my 05 volunteer debacles. The other was with the local CBO, AAF, which actively pursued me but then decided that I was a bit too organized and aggressive as an effective board member. I know you are as I was scrathing my head going, Huh, you got to be kidding? No folks I don't make this stuff up. As the year progressed I watched as the gay community of Conway again put on it's Annual Gay Pride Parade, filled with the usual suspects except those who turned out last year as opponents. It seems that this event went bust as a "news event" because there wasn't really much news, just a replay and a recast of characters who mugged for the cameras. The side stories involving the guy who dumped the "do do" at that dredded purple abode better known as Casa Gayland was fined but had no remorse for his smelly act.Also the "oh so fired" radio personality who passed out porn in his briefs and his partner in crime, went to court and got some type of mismash sort of justice that really doesn't mean much. And the year rolled on or should we say walked on in step with the locally produced AIDS Walk that doesn't seem to be catching on fire with any significant growth but has flamed out a separate "walk" produced by some disgruntled participants from the original. This action calls for the Rodney King anthem of "Can't we all just get along?" On a positive note, the Sidetracks establishment has been doing it's best to rekindle bar life as we once knew it. The owners attempts to create a friendly atmosphere and value does strike a meaningful chord. Other 2005 winners can include Easy Street with it's new additions and forward looking plans. Even though it's homey feeling is similar to that of Cheers, it's not a place where everyone knows your name, but it seems that every body is an investor. Nevertheless, The Factory may fill both bills of looser and 2005 winner.The change in owners has been winningly marginal but the establishment is now a "Hip hop, Latino,Twink, alterntive,dance and drag palace all under one roof and that has some bar goers decreeing it a looser. Not to mention that, rumors abound that there are plans to add "Private late night hangout" to its roster of titles. Only time will tell. On the Political front there seem to be some candidates such as Kathy Webb among others that are evolving from the shadows to run for office. I hope that they are able to create a base of support that will spur some type of unity in this area. Dear Reader, by the time you read this, 2005 will have come and gone, with these items just barely scratching the surface of the year that was and was not so good in Arkansas. However, I look forward to 2006 when I plan to give more of my personal best to this medium and be a conscious observer of our culture. I am hopeful that next year will be better and if not, I'll back to tell you all about. Stay tuned....

Cornelius goes Hot, Live and otherwise!!

I have been thrusted into the 21st century like gangbusters. The new ways and means to connect with the world has been almost overwhelming and certainly empowering. A few years back, I thought I would fall victim to the dredded "digital divide" and not be able to access the super highway of the internet. But my due diligence and determination to learn all the up and comming gizmo's was at it's pitch fever this year.Each day technology seems to morph over night and I keep finding my self adjusting the learning curve to stay current. Amazingly, in my outreach to the "netsphere" I've found so many willing mentors and those who are at the pinnacle of all things net. Yet, with all this rapid fire communicating, I have been befuddled at the lack of public comment and dispering of pertinent information about the issues concerning the community. It seems that one of the lone voices out here is Bob Coffey's, "The Notes" which frequently falls into my mailbox. His efforts to inform and offer a plethora of updates about homeless issues, AIDS info and other valuable nuggets, simply dwarfs the other CBO/ Foundation that supposedly is the lead agency in the area. As a matter of disclosure, I am a former board member, who withdrew his membership due to a conflict of interest. Nevertheless, there seems to be a continuing void in the public message of this conclave, as well as, other emerging concerned citizens such as the Gay and Lesbian Pride Group. It is unrefutable that the Net has developed into a direct source to individuals with abilities to inspire, motivate and admonish. Web sites for the metro area community bars and other entities abound. Most with outdated information, promotional dogma or a lack of any real content. Supposedly, the new proposed Pink Pyramid site touts that it will be the hub of "what's going on," yet the vibe I get is that it will be more of the same. Therefore, I step into the breach with my series of both composed and audio blogs dealing with all of the issues at hand. My approach is to be an omnivorous observer with a sense of fairness and objectivity in all my commentaries. This new medium is bold and allows us to firmly place ourselves right in each others face. I'm ready for the challenge...are you?

In Search of "The Secret!"...continues

It is amazing that I have spent many of my productive years attempting to put my finger on the how, what, when and where I may fit into my version of community. Unfortunately, after all this time, I am still perplexed as well as, still searching for that elusive connection that would offer me a more energize conduit to all those who share my passion and interest. Over the last 20 years, I have analyzed, compromised, and idealized what "community" meant to me and how my contributions, whether they be large or small, would be utilized within its structure. So far, I have concluded that the communities of family, ethnicity, career and friendhship networks, that I thought I was apart of was perhaps a mirage within my imagination. These necessary suppport systems have become seeminly cloaked in my personal hopes, steeped in various disappointments that lie in the shadows of my ongoing fears, causing me to re-evlaute my relationship to each of them. Overall, I believe that as I unlock the elements of "The Secret," I will re-establish the synergy with individuals of like minds who will help me soar to new heights. Certainly, I have taken into account that the forces throughtout my scope of "community" has been dealt a serious blow with not just the AIDS crisis, but rather a barrage of socio- diseases, including alcoholism, mental illness,other susbstance abuses and the gnawing pressures of the "six degrees of separation" paradigm at large. Consequently, I've summerized that despite it all, a serious disconnect has to be countered, resulting in eliminating my doubts and confusion about the community that I so often took for granted. Ultimately, "The Secret" will set in motion answers to the basic questions of "where is the community that claims me and what are they expecting of me as the years continue to turn?" Must I comtemplate that my journey and experiences thus far have had very little intrinsic value, or worthiness to enhance those who will finally inherit my place within this microcosm. I shutter to think that much of my time has been squandered and those contributions have all but been forgotten, due to our "blink" culture which is always ready for the next big thing. The awful reality that exist is that the quasi communities I thought I knew and embraced, although flawed are actually still in need of soulful indidviduals such as myself to give them purpose and direction. However I'm determined that despite my current disillusionment, I intend to fill my spirit with all that I find within the scrolls of "The Secret" to secure a better future for myself and all that I touch. Join me as I search for clues at www.what-is-the-secret.com

We are family or are we???

"We are family...I got all my sister's and me...! The anthem was a rallying cry of yesteryear and I really thought that we were a family and would be always. I embraced the wondrous like beings who I felt had accepted me as part of the larger group, known as "The Community". However, 20 years have past and now I stand perplexed as to what happened to the community that I often spoke of, and thought I had allegiances too. What happpened to the family that proudly proclaimed that we would be concerned about our civil right to the pursuit of life and liberty? Where are those dieheart individuals who came to meetings and offered pearls of wisdom that would benefit us all? Are there any real answers to these questions, perhaps not. Apparently the 21st century has ushered in a reclusive "tech" mentality that has engulfed the community, almost snuffing out the comraderie of bar life as we have known it. However, in efforts to counter this trend, local entreprenuers have desperately scrambled to redefined their customer base including expanding their appeal by becoming "alternative lifestyle" or trendy Rave hangouts. "The bar" is no longer the bastion of community information or physical activity hub. The once gathering community, subsequently fractured community, has now disintergrated. The soul of that community, that I knew has become a mere shell of it self, leaving me wondering if my past contributions, no matter how large or small, have all but become a memory. A victim of the new "blink" society we now live in, where waiting for the next big thing reigns supreme. Especially if it can be offered through your webcam or courtsey of your front door. Consquently, my minor offerings will have no real lasting affect on those who will take my place within this microcosm. The mutal goals that I thought we shared have not truly been realized and there is much work still undone, unevaluated or unaccomplished. Unfortuantely, as I look around for willing workers, I have discovered that not only are they far and few, but they are disregarding lessons from the past. Neverthless, precious resources are becoming seriously limited, leadership vaccums abound and results will be highly scruntinized. It seems so unreal that the promise of a united commnuity is still as elusive as it was all those years ago. However, as the echoes of the past fade to black and the midnight dancing continues on a Friday night, only the music has changed. Closing my eyes, I cherish the soundtrack of those times and their endearing lyrics will always strike a chord with me. Not as an old school hit, but rather a fond memory of what we thought would be or could be someday.

The Secret is about to be revealed !....

www.what-is-the-secret.com

On the horizon, a final stage full moon was slowly rising, emitting Luna's haunting glow and intrinsic charm that captured my attention. I could just imagine that this same lunar latern probably had cast a spirited eminence over the sands of Africa, bouncing light off Pharos and down into the catacombs of the Valley of the Kings where whispers are still heard. From that valley to the Far East and around the rest of a restless world, power brokers have struggled to control the flow of information, the far reaching knoweledge and the ultimate treasurer trove of prosperity that only a few have been privy too. I too, as I gaze into the streams of Mother's Nature moonlight, lie in wait for my chance to view the scrolls and unearth the volocity of their meanings which hold, "The Secret."
Being successful and finding the right source to accomplish the task have always been on my radar. It seems that certain elements and cornerstones must be in place in order to unlock the gates to a gainful existence. Realizing the paradigms of "The Secret" will allow me to further understand how those great empire builders such as Rockefeller, Carnegie, Dupont and Ford were able to use it's contents to create everlasting dynasties. The American industrial revolution has been transformed by new discoveries in the 21st century, however, the basic elements found within the scrolls of " The Secret" are fundamental composites that I know will align, as well as, propel me toward the my goals. I can't be fatalistic about the possiablities because believing in myself, embracing my faith and designing the best business model will provide me a sound foundation. Afterall, in the words of Spike Milligan, " money can't buy you friends, but it can get your a better class of enemy." I'll take my chances. Let's find out together as we all prepare to share, "The Secret."! Check it out at, www.What-is-the-secret.com

"And now a message from our sponsors..."

There it was. Another reminder from yet another product or service deivised to find it's way into my purse, pocketbook, wallet or fanny pack. All through the day and much of the evening, we are constantly bombarded with the message that we simply don't have enough stuff to either gaurd, proctect, satisfy or wreck havoc over our daily lives. Just one more infomerical to state that "if you don't have this and don't order it "now," you'll going to be somehow unable to complete the rest of your days on Earth, not to mention get to sleep after watching this crap. Sometimes, I wonder how did we get here and why so many people are now suffering from type of conpulsive order or another. They've filled their lives not with a loving spirit, but rather hapless products ranging from the unused thigh master to the insipid singing Bass that flops around for your distatseful pleasure. Some individuals are actually drowing in the crass commericalization of their being with so many items that they have found some type of sick affection for these inanimate objects of their desire. The bottom line, they can't part with it any of it, whether it be a use tube of cosmetics that may have one more use or stacks of Ladies Home Journal that will never see a reading light ever again. Consequently, I 've decided to do my part and get rid of the crap, by saying "good night Irene" to many of the trinkets of past lives that no longer have any significance to my present. However, I've gone one step further and decided to cleanse much of my entire being by realizing that old habits and desires also need to be re-exaimined and purged. Making up for lost time by reaffirming my self to myself, therfore contemplating my future as well as, impending mortality and or legacy. I don't want to be remembered for all the stuff I had, but rather what I did with my stuff by either donating to worthy causes or other erstwhile charities.I want my earthly possesions to eventually keep on giving long after I've departed the scene and perhaps if we took the mountains of no-nothing junk that keep growing each year in garages around the nation and decidely make less purchases of addtional baby strollers, tea service, beer teddys or other non-useful crap. We could just establish funds to further education or elevation of human kind. Perhaps entertaining the novel idea of just saving more money to take of lingering existence would be good cause. Yet, I'm putting my money where my frustration lies. I am committing to not to buy items that I simply don't really need or do anything to make my life more enriched. Ultimately, if the "six degrees of seperation" paradim really exist, I hope that those who are within my six degrees will do the same and not buy anything while there thinking about it.

Somewhere over the Rainbow...

"Time seems to fly when your having fun," is the old adage that I remember from days gone by. However, as I've gotten older, I am finding less fun as time flies by. It amazes me how most folks think I'm leading some kind of charmed life. "You know, Cornelius, you are so lucky and have such a wonderful life," they easily quip. Well, I not sure what they deem so damn lucky about an individual who has persevered through a great deal of cow dung to find some level of satisfaction within himself and his surroundings. I can't imagine that working in dead end jobs, striving to be respected in the hospitality arena and crawling my way through the mine field of the new "PC" alternative lifestyle, all that lucky. Yet, it seems that my destiny is to survive and I now know that this is my God given mission in life. To offer to others the message that you can survive despite life's shortcomings or your own. I've decided that at 44, I'm going to do more to find inspiration in life and give that away to those who can't seem to find some crumbs of peace in their respective lives. The idea is not new, nor the message, just the honesty of the messenger. I'm going to pursue those goals that I thought unobtainable or beyond my ability. For too long, I've neglected the diamonds in the rough that have littered by pathway. It's time that I pick them up and polish them to their true luster. Despite all that has transpired in the last few months, including a totaled vehicle and the subsequent nightmare that goes with settling the matter, my impending hip surgery, sojurn through the Social Security maze and my entreprenurial dream that seems to be slowly slipping away, have made me aware that pain can propel you to greater heights. It is through this pain that you can find some of your greatest strength and I should know. Amen.

Eyes on the Prize....

It was a cool January morning when the FedEX guy dropped by the Club with a letter package. I actually wasn't concerned, because ususally I didn't recieve much mail at the club, however, today would be different. "Cornelius, this seems to be for you. I went ahead and signed for it," said the customer service clerk." Well, I wonder what the heck it could be," as I began opening the packet. Inside I would find that a contest that I had entered was informing me that I had won the Grand Prize upon my completion of the enclosed documents. At first, I was preplexed, then, confused, until I continued to read the letter. It was the advertising contest that I had sent in an entry to and thought perhaps I had no chance of winning, yet the letter stated that I had pervailed. However, months later, and somehwhat embarrassed because I did tell a few close friends about the winfall, I have heard nothing from the contest or winnings to crow about. I followed the instructions to the letter and was very prompt about it's return. I just can't understand what would be the delay. I've been extremely patient and hopeful that one day, the prize would show up and I would feel like one of those clearinghouse winners, but nothing, so far. RATS! I can't just stand by and not know something, so I've decided to send a letter to the contest HQ and ask the proverbial question, "what gives!" The prize would definately come in handy, since my arthritic condition is making me uncertain about my working future and often I feel I'm almost one paycheck away from loosing it all. Yet, I've decided that "my eyes" shouldn't be on the earthly prize offered by man, but rather on the supreme being that comforts me,has provided for me and has brought me this far in life. My faith in the heavenly prize of eternal life and salvation is actually the real prize I should focus on and realize that it doesn't come by FEDEX.

Pardon my Dust...

Lately I've begun to wonder am I getting slower or is time simply moving faster. It seems that the days are passing quickly and then they turn into months and I can't seem to keep up with it all. I've downsized, computerized and homogenized as much of my daily life and yet, I keep getting that feeling that something is slipping by me. I have more gadgets to keep me organized and more bags to carry them all in, not to mention calenders, daytimers and alarm clocks to keep me in sync with where I'm suppose to be and what the hell am I suppose to be doing when I get there. Nevertheless, my concept of time seems to getting fat doses of energy from the world at large. Infusing my "time space" with twenty-four hour networks of news, gossip,infomercials and frivilous productions designed to fill time on all these channels that some how I'm suppose to watch. Then there's the daily snail mail barrage that I have to filter and re-filter on a daily basis. I have resorted to calling some companies to tell them that I no longer want to be on there mailing list, however, the damn stuff keeps coming and I now need more trash cans to take of it all. Is it time that speeding up or am I slowing down trying to take it all in, so perhaps maybe I won't miss something or better yet I'm re-reading some of it because I simply don't understand why I'm being solicited in the first place? No wonder I can't keep the place dusted, becuase I spending so much time emptying the trash from all the mail that I didn't ask for. Well I guess it doesn't matter because now I'm out of time!

Don't have anything to do...Call me!

I have no reason for not posting to this medium. Except that I've been busy with organizing my life so that I can keep up with all the responsibilities that I've accepted. What I mean is, I've become belligerent and somewhat miffed at those who keep telling me that they are bored and don't have "anything to do!" What the heck do you mean I keep asking? Well if you don't have anything to do give me a call. To begin with there is this blog medium which needs much attention and sometimes more attention than I have to offer. But, no excuses,as I rush into action and get my thought patterns energized as the keyboard blazes hot with my attitudes and inquisitive style. Then let's talk about some of my committee work that entails in person meetings, e-mails, and conference calls to boot. Trying to assist in changing the world or at least inform them that there are people out in the real world that need to be heard from can be more than just challenging, it can be quite rewarding. We need more people to give it a try. Of course, because I'm not as young as I'd like to be, I have to deal with the daily grind of keeping my body in some type of motivated shape. That's not repeating the Anna Nicole mantra of "Love my body" or the chronic "I'm really hungry look of the Olsen Twins," but rather a Denny's Boca burger and whatever pill regimen that I'm on for the day. Throw in housework, and a committed relationship with relatives in tow and presto! your fucking plates full. And the beat goes on! Yes, everyday the pressure of keeping it all in some kind of order is what I live for. So for all you bozo's who don't have anything to do, get a life or either call me. I'd love to share...or least I'd like to think so.

Stayin Alive in 05!!

I actually survived another christmas assault and lived to tell about. I'm so glad to be on the other side of another year, even though as I write this I've found out that some are not so lucky. Nevethtless, the only New Year's resolution I have is to continue my efforts to make a difference in the incoming year. Taking time to write a letter to my congressman or make that all important visit to a legislator who ultimately needs a continuing reality check on the real "state of the state." This year I hope to empower others with the understanding that they too can make a difference from the context of there daily lives. To echo Churchill,"... we have nothing to fear, but fear it self." Yet, in my quest to assist, I will reserve the right to strike the right balance in regards to my personal live and those I share it with. I 've witnessed all to often that advocates and activist often burn the candle at both ends and usually flame out at some critical point. I encourage all activist to gear up for the long haul and not just today's enthusiatic lip service to the cause. We can't afford to keep restarting organizations or movements. Lately, we've found that it's a costly effort to re-tool and re-energize to take on the establishment which has many resources in it's arsenal. Our organizing skills and savvy are more important now than ever and in the words of our commander and chief, " failure is not an option." Therefore, as the new year begans, I say gentlemen and gentlewoman, rev up your engines and let's get this party started! Stay tuned....

Silent Night, Unsettling Nights in Arkansas

The stories surrounding the ADAP issue and subsequent investigations at the Arkansas Department of Health, continue to appear in the local Democrat Gazette and editoral page columinst such as Meredith Oakley are having a field day poking around the ruins of this mish mash of sorted doings. Meanwhile, those that are most likely to be affected seemingly sit idle, like fresh doe's caught in the headlights of an on coming car, not realizing what's going to hit them. According to Oakley, "critics" who state that the ADH's approach to assisting those deleted from the program and sent down the PAP hole in search of drug assistance may be overstating the situation, however, if the state can't seem to oversee invoicing procedures or actually defining program gudielines, what could you expect from office workers who will have to coordinate mountains of paper work in reference to a myraid of changing PAP regulations. These regulations vary from case to case and in some instances from patient to patient, depending upon product need and circumstances. It could be a dizzying array of follow-up, forms, income levels and timeliness, that undoubtly will cause some friction and treatment interruption. Ultimately, I question exactly who will be in charge of this task and what staffing will be put into place to hande the work load. Furthermore, I'm amazed at the finger pointing and lack of responsibility taken by superiors within the AIDS unit and up the chain of command to Director, Faye Boozemen. Apparently ,Ms. Thrower's "bosess" were delegators and "not in the loop" on activitites, goals or as some have whispered, not really interested in AIDS in Arkansas. In the meantime, the national publication, ADVOCATE, will be profiling this situation in a January 2005 issue and will attempt to disseminate how the system works and is it working. I suggest that some ADH officials as well as, affected patients may need to pick up a copy and take a gander to see if they can get some pointers.

A Double-Take...Is Rome burning in Arkansas??

Phones were ringing and the commuity has been abuzz concerning recent developments in the functioning of community based organizations and AIDS based organizations in greater Pulaski County and statewide. "People are talking," and speculating about the closing aftermath of certain agencies and what caused their demise. It seems they were closing faster that Bush Cabinet resignations could be counted. As the smoke clears, the landscape is littered with bits and pieces of such groups as Arkansas Equity Network, which began with fanfare and much publicize organizing meetings. Promising a "new day" in Arkansas advocacy including a statewide network of newly energized youth who would be pulling us all together to deal with the real issues that affect us internally.However, this groundswell of strident"fired up individuals" simply flamed out and drew it last breath a few months ago as it scurried it's reminants over to yet another agency, Positive Voices, who suffered a slow and I what I feel was an unfortunate death, when there was so many resources poured into this venture. Office furniture, computers, databases and other valuable tools needed for organizational work now become "returned inventory" to the Arkansas Health Department, who will distribute it to other entities within it's massive system. Futhermore,the continuing power struggle of the Stonewall Democrats caused them to get "un-noticed by the State Democratic machine,"thusly dropping the ball in the recent election cycle. This fumble cost us a more formal place at the political table and possibly some marginal clout. Of course due to a leadership vaccum, lack of capacity building empowerment and vision, these folks, despite their meager cash stash, seems to be confusion as to how t0 leverage the organization into something viable. Such a pity. Nevertheless, the alledged disarray at Future Builders has all but stymied this "so-called" ASO's effectiveness and impact on its stakeholders as well. Yet another group ripe for the non-profit trash heap. Meanwhile, budget cuts still loom, other area agencies continue to eek out a muddled existence, the ADAP waiting list is 33 weeks old with more names to be added, the media reported that "Gays Moving out of State.." when in all actuality, it's only one Lesbian couple moving to Oregon which does not qualify for a mass exodus, and the band plays on! Is this all a bad dream or am I like "Alice" falling into the looking glass and ending up in a bizarre paradigm. No silly, it's just the Body Politic of Arkansas' gay community, still wandering in the desert in search of the promise land.

Some one wake me when's it over!....

Will some one wake me when it's over. I mean the next four years of more swaggar and head spinning jargon about the war on terror and flag draped individuals who are concerned that staying "morale" but "fiscally bankrupt" is the higher ground. Last Tuesday's exercise in democracy is what America is all about. Our's, yours, and my right to vote my opinion on the course of the country, who leads it, and possibly give a message of where I think we should be going. Of course, I disagree with the present administration on the direction, however, the electorate has spoken and I have to accept it one way or another. Now, that this decision has been made, I need to assess what reactions will be necessary to deal with what lies ahead. I have heard from many who are simply incensed about the vote, yet, I believe that my fellow voters should turn that rage into more action to assist with advocacy groups and monitoring the voting records of those elected officials. When there is a "action alert" you should respond with a FAX, personal letter or call your representive to voice your dissent. The ballot box is certain power, but your constant watch and voice on a monthly basis carries much weight. Don't wait around for 2008. This democractic process goes on daily and being apart of the loop of information is imperative. The "political capital" that President Bush speaks of can only be expended if we stand by and allow him to spend it without a voice. Being a proud American is not always about winning, but having the right to keep playing in the game.
Stay Focused. Vigilant. Get Motivated. Monitor and REACT!!

Let's Keep Dancing...

The immortal songstress Peggy Lee had a standard hit entitled, "Is that all their is" back in the day when you really understood what the singer was saying and the song meant something more than noise. As a youngster, this haunting melody about jilted love and the melancholy of existence, never left my head and once I saw Miss Lee perform this number on television, I was hooked. Then and now, the song still rings in the back of my mind as I continue to deal with the complexities of life and the bureaucracy of the state. This time it's the City of Little Rock's enclosure about obtaining licenses for operating business in the city that came to my post office box. Actually, beknowned to the city, my P.O. Box is an attempt to create my own homeland security blanket as well as, also pursuing my hobby of collecting menus from extinct restaurants to hang in my, "Dead Restaurant Hall of Fame". I earn no revenue from this little venture, and this mail drop assist me in keeping credit card bills and other information sensitive mailings under lock and key. Therefore, giving me a peice of mind that I have some control and security over my own mail, if nothing else. With this in mind and a smirk on my face, I have written to Mayor Dailey,not challenging the notice, but rather inquiring about those "Tomaine Lunch Trucks" that I've seen lately in Southwest Little Rock. I asked if those individuals are being monitored and do they have licenses to set up shop in parking lots vs.my lowly post office box, where you can't get a plate of anything. Hopefully, the mayor or some assistant will find time to enlightened me and maybe look into the matter. When we hear from them you know it'll be posted here first. Until then let's just keep dancing...

Can We talk?? Part 2

In previous editions of this blog, I've vented my frustrations about state government, especially the Department of Human Services,who have "punted" my files from one desk to another. Recently, I heard from a caseworker, who gave me lame excuses and meandering explanations about how this mess occurred. My response: Blah! Blah! Blah! Of course none of this "voice message" to me, made any really sense and now I read that our slim fast Governor, Mike Huckabee has declined to provide any emergency relief to the state's AIDS Drugs Assitance Program from his discretionary fund which totals about $500,000. According to Health Department officials, the plans that they have resorted too, is placing individuals that they can't help on the entangled PAP's of pharmaceutical companies. This calls for a, "can we talk !" Even though these programs are devised to assist patients who can't afford their drugs, they are a juggernaut of paper work that must has every "i" dotted and every "t" crossed or you are well on your way to a drug holiday. As I have investigated, these programs also have a myriad of changing rules and expectations. For instance, criteria for Arkansas has changed at least 3 times over the past year. First you needed to have Viral load information, but you had no insurance to pay for the Lab, then in August, it didn't matter. Sorry, about that $500 bill and the lack of cohesion of information. Let's not mention the "medical advocate" component, who may or may not get your information sent in a timely matter. If not, guess what, you are penalize and sent in search of some one in customer service who can't really affirm if you will get a shipment or when it will be processed. The newest twist for one such program, has the participant updating their profile and getting "script" refills via the internet. Got the picture? Can you really imagine ADH figuring all this out and getting affected people on this medicine merry go round "seamlessly." Aren't these the same folks who have mysteriously re-deployed employees to other post from the STD/ HIV unit, alledgedly confiscasted computers, and is now in the grips of audits and media scrunity . Let's get real and face facts. The real problem here is a leadership vacuum and strategic preparation for dealing with this issue, which has been in the wings for some time now. This state was reported to be in a crisis mode from NASTAD in January 2004 and I personally stumped in Washington D.C. lobbying our congressional delegation about additional federal funding support for state ADAP's. So this dilemma begs that the question. Why do those in charge take the chicken little management approach and wait until the sky is falling before we make a move to rectify situations. I share Rep. Jay Bradfords sentiment that this is just a "dumb move" all the way around and couldn't be more ripe for reality TV. Stay tuned....

Can We talk??

I couldn't help but borrow the line, "Can we Talk ?..." from master people watcher and acerbic comic Joan Rivers, who would be spewing all kinds of obscenities at the Department of Human Services, if she had to endure the continuing lack of organization, that I 've had to face within the last few months. Supervisors not passing on messages, files missing or not seen by those who have made decision on the matter at hand, unreturned phone calls and the list just goes on. No wonder, we could'nt close any Arkansas revenue offices to save money, because we need every "warm body" that you can go through to get any services. It just seems so unbelieveable that in this "computer/ tech" craze world , that customer service hasn't really been enhance, but rather hampered. Especially with the advent of voice mail and messenging systems that no one seems to be actually using, except to avoid talking to anyone, Live. Over the pass week, I have called the Southwest Unit of the DHS, concerning the "paper trail" of an application to a local health agency. Repeatedly, a polite, yet droning voice mail has greeted me with a supervisors voice telling me that "she is not available to speak to me, but she is in the building. Leave a message and someone will return your call." Phooey! No one returns your call and if they do, they seem to busy trying to clear up all the other "files" that they are running behind on, to actually address your qustions with any real information. I realize that state workers feel that they are not appreciated or compensated well for the jobs that they do. I"ve heard it from more than one clerical or support person, who doesn't mind being a little dishey about state government. Even though not many seem to be relinquishing these life long valuable positions. However, perhaps to ensure that more work is accomplished may be we should consider offering a "peice" rate to clerical workers, similar to the now defunct garment industry.Certainly, this would certainly make things more accountable, since your pay would depend on how productive you are daily. The more completed files or retuned phone calls, the more your paycheck. What a novel idea? Absurd as this sounds, it worked years ago. My mother made a great living bagging blouses and pressing garments at a low rate that kept our familiy life humming along without missing a beat.I'm sure if she needed to complete files for living today, she would be leading the pack in getting the job done. Of course what this actually boils down to, is the lack of accountability and productivity in leiu of the "its just another applicant needing somthin," attitude that is prevelant at such agencies. Overall, I guess, I'd settle for some type of "can we talk action", but I would rather have a can we get something done action instead!! Stay tuned, take a deep breathe and let's see what the week has to offer. Until next time...